“Spam is about providing hope. Our subject lines are full of possibility – hair growth, contact with extra-terrestrials, enlarged genitals – whatever it is we are offering we are connecting people with the hopeful child inside all of us.”

These are the words of Reginald Tsktsk*, who’s started the Alliance of Non-Shame, a support group where spammers can talk about how being bounced from mail systems makes them feel and how to develop innovative new ways to fit “Viagra” into a sentence. “I also finally have enough members to start a soft-ball league with the Hot Hugs for Cold Callers Alliance – those guys have some great ideas”.

Spam - we all get it, we all hate it. Reginald has a different point of view though. Image by Redwood39

Reginald’s other goal is to fight the use of the “report spam” button on Gmail. “We’re hoping to organise a protest, which is difficult given the need to hide our identities.” He is hoping that those sympathetic to his cause will help out. “Basically, if you send people stuff they didn’t ask for, I see you as a brother or even a lover if you make more money than I do.” He’s currently making contact with that guy who invented elevator music, the producers of Pink Panther Two and the Bush administration.

Reginald’s 5 Essential tips for the aspiring spammer:

1. Consider someone’s email inbox and cell phone as direct lines through which you can communicate.

The channels are there – there’s nothing stopping you from reaching the people you need to (well; besides email filters and the possible blocking of your email address but “these things are minor” says Reginald)!

“Society is obsessed with the idea of personal space” shared Reginald, who pointed out that concern for a negative reaction just equals negative thinking. The secret, believes Reginald, is to think about the power of now – the power you have to get that message where someone has to look at it.

When asked about the power of a delete button Reginald refused to comment.

2. Offer no unsubscribe link on emails you send people.

Reginald pointed out that while some “uptight” marketers may suggest an unsubscribe link on your posts, giving people a choice is really not the point here. You, as the experienced communicator, should control the communication.

3. Buy databases – the bigger the better

“You’re going to have to piss a lot of people off to find that one guy who might open your mail – he’s special, and it’s worth it. I believe in the one.”

People used to list their addresses on their websites, but Reginald now finds he has to source them from special friends. “Send me your email address and those of a few friends and I’ll forward you a list.”

4. Build on people’s aspirations 

“Find out what people desire most and offer it to them – irrespective of whether or not you can deliver, the point is that you make them happy for a little while. And they may even fall for it twice.”

You can do this in many ways – being creative with the facts is something Reginald considers a particular personal strength. “A slightly misleading subject line is no problem, it gets people to open the mail”, which after all – is the only and ultimate purpose of any email communication, according to Reginald.

5. Offer no return email address

“You want to give love, not get it back. I find it best not to make contact with the folks I mail – it makes me feel kind of like Mother Theresa.”

And how does Reginald see the future of spam? “I’m really inspired by swine flu.” Reginald shared, “that thing spreads through the air man. I believe spam should be like that – self replicating and available to everyone.”  

*Any resemblance Reginald may have to an actual person is entirely coincidental.

*Image by Redwood

Also check out:

• Email Marketing Basics
• Less Corporate Spam?
• Of Spam and French Champagne